DEEP DIVINE TRUST

Aloha beautiful soul fam.

A few days ago, little Raizza (my inner child) was feeling it all a bit too much. I was holding space for clients who were moving through deep waves of grief and sadness.
My children were navigating big emotions of their own, missing their dad.
I was also supporting my mama through her emotional stuff.

So when my partner came home with atone of judgement and frustration  - saying something simple like, “The laundry hasn’t been done.” “The bins need to be emptied.”

To a rested nervous system, I would’ve brushed that off like it aint no thang.
But to the little girl inside me, who was carrying and transmuting all the collective grief and sadness - it hurt my heart.
It activated the old aged wound:
“I’m not enough.”

Now a part of me knows that I don’t need to listen. And normally, my fierce Queen Mama would step in and protect me, but she was emotionally burnt out too.

So as I tried to express myself to my partner, but was being even more hurt by his response of invalidation and defensiveness. The same old little Raizza wound surfaced - “Why can’t anybody ever hold space for me", in the way I hold space for everyone around me?”

And then Spirit whispered. I got you. Time to pack up and Go.

So I did. I spoke to my eldest with tears streaming down my eyes, after just having an argument with my partner. I told her that I loved her and that I needed to go and care for that little girl that lives inside mama. She understood and then went with her dad to the park. But before I left, I scattered little love notes all around saying that I loved them and I’ll be back in a few days.

Then I packed my things and drove to the place that has never failed me, Garigal Country (Whale Beach). I spent my Saturday exhausted, lying on the sand, soaking in the sun’s last golden rays. That night, I took myself out to dinner, booked a massage (and tipped my beautiful Thai masseuse $20 because she was pure magic)…

And then I slept cosy and warm in the back of my car, as the ocean lulled me to sleep.

The next morning, I woke to the most glorious sunrise.
I felt the pull to swim, but also wanted a hot shower afterward.
So I searched for somewhere I could go have a warm shower - which was at a sauna which I was willing to pay for.

But Spirit was already way ahead of me.

So as I watched the sunrise, a man at the public BBQ called out - he was cooking fresh fish and began sharing stories of coming here with his daughter over 30 years ago. He offered me some fish (which was delicious, by the way), and also offered me rosé (which I politely declined).

Then he said something that shifted everything. Paul was a local in the area but had been living in a van since he split up with is partner.

“I’m looking after a house here. The owners don’t live there but they let us use the showers.”

And just like that… I got my swim.
I got my hot shower.
And I didn’t have to pay a cent.
Divine trust, again. Provided.

After my shower, I thanked him again, He paused and vulnerably shared out of nowhere - “You know, the biggest regret of my life was cheating on my partner.”

I looked at him and softly said,

“We can’t keep punishing ourselves. The greatest medicine is learning to forgive ourselves.”

Then I told him, “I feel like going for a bushwalk.”

He lit up and said,

“Go to Bangalley Lookout. Every time my daughter and I went there when she was younger, we came back completely different people.”

That’s when I knew, this wasn’t just a walk I was about to embark on. It felt like a Spiritual walkabout. He gave me basic directions and said,

“Don’t worry, just follow your nose.”

So before I left Whaleys, I sat on my picnic rug to connect with Spirit. I took my time and I opened my journal, and saw a tiny post-it note that read:
“Deep Divine Trust 💖”

That’s when I knew, “This is today’s soul lesson.”

So I chose to leave my phone in the car. And took off barefoot with a bag that had
my water, my shoes (just in case), and an extra jumper and a bag of chips (which I didn’t need any of, except for the water).

As I walked, I heard Spirit whisper - “Go up this trail. Leave your bag here.” I asked, “Can I please bring it? It makes me feel safe.”

Spirit replied:
“Of course.”

Three minutes later…it was a dead end (haha).

So I sat on a bench overlooking Whale Beach and integrated what just happened.

Spirit said - “This is what most people do. They hold on to what feels safe, even if they don’t need it anymore or if it feels heavy. And that’s okay. You needed to feel this.”

Whoa.
That was in the first five minutes.

So I kept on walking and tucked a beautiful red hibiscus behind my ear and continued walking. Spirit continued guiding me - “Go here.”, “Ask this person.” “Turn there.”

And just as I was starting to feel disheartened because it felt like I had been walking for aggggeesss (but I didn’t even have a phone so I couldn’t even tell you how long it was)…
I saw a sign - “Bangalley Headland.”
I had arrived.

The views were absolutely STUNNIIINNG and the ocean seemed infinite.
And as I sat there in deep reverence for what was in front of me - Spirit said:

“Ok, It’s time to forgive…The men who didn’t show up. The ones who weren’t reliable.
The ones who couldn’t hold you.The men who hurt you, abused you a mistreated you - not just in this lifetime but in every single dimension time and space AND it’s also time to forgive yourself”.

And I cried.
Not just tears… but the deepest soul cry EVVVEERR.
All the pain I’d carried, was surrendered into the ocean and after I felt the heaviness from my entire body subside. I looked up at the sky.
And Spirit whispered one final truth -

“I will always hold space for you.
And I will give you everything you need.
All you need to do is trust.”

Guys, I hadn’t even gone on my bushwalk yet haha. So as I continued my spiritual bushwalk, Spirit was pouring through download after download and I had to stop four or five times to integrate everything that I had just received.

And every time the fear of not knowing where I was going and feeling lost came up - I just had to re-ground, place my hand on my heart and say to myself - “Spirit has got me, I divinely trust”.

Eventually, I walked off the bush trail…Light. Anchored to the Earth. With what seemed like a POWERFUL Divine Clarity.

I kindly asked Spirit to get me back to the beach on the most efficient path. This time I didn’t doubt, I followed my inner compass but took a different way, and encountered a family who had just finished teaching their daughter to drive.

A mum was sweeping outside. I asked her for directions to Whaleys. She gave them…
Then paused and said, “I’ll give you a lift.”

I initially said, “No, it’s okay.”
Then realised, this is what I asked for.
So I thad to pluck up the courage to turn back and said yes. As I got into her car, her license plate read - 888 (my lucky number).

We has some deep conversations in the 5 minutes in the car. I told her about how I was on journey of Divine Trust, and she told me she never offers anyone lifts but just felt like she needed to do it for me. She also reminded me how lucky I was to have a partner who would look after the kids so I could have this time to myself  (thank you Ed! - I am super grateful for you).

When she dropped me off, I returned to thank Paul for the recommendation.
But…he was “shitfaced”.

Even that felt like part of my lesson. I was being shown that every moment, every encounter, every twist in the path was happening for me, exactly as it was meant to. Paul was a reflection of that -  that no matter how heavy and painful our experience is - it is all perfectly divinely orchestrated for our growth and evolution (but also for the highest and greatest good of all).

And with that I went for one final ocean swim.

Then climbed the rocks to offer my flower, my prayer of deep love and gratitude, to the Ocean, to Garigal Country, to Spirit. I found a beautiful stream among the rocks and gently placed the flower in the water.

But it got stuck.

I could’ve just moved it off the rock and placed it back in the water. But I didn’t just go on a whole day spiritual pilgrimage to make the same mistakes. I knew my lesson:
Divine trust sister woman. Just Let it be.

I knew I couldn’t leave until the flower had gone into the ocean.

So I received my final message:

“When you feel like your partner can’t hold space for you, come here.
Come back to us. We will always hold you.”

As I surrendered to this message, the water suddenly shifted. Streams from different directions flowed in, and the flower was powerfully ushered into the ocean.

I thought I needed more than one night to regulate my nervous system.

But I didn’t. I just needed one powerful and deeply present day to walk with Spirit and co-regulate and with the rhythm of nature.

I came home tonight in time for Sacred Sunday Bath with My Goddesses…
But not as the same woman. I came home anchored with something that has been so difficult for me in the past. I came home feeling fully embodied in the deepest divine trust.